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The perfect basketball equation

I feel like a vampire. Sunlight still hurts. It’s as if I have so many things to do and too much time to do it. In turn, nothing gets done. Well nothing except for thinking. And the more I think, the more I realize I do way too much of it. But it’s so damn easy. Much easier than… let’s try… opening these window shades… Good Lord! Is it night time? How long have I been asleep?

I’d better check if my family is still here. Whew! Thank God. Geez, kids are much bigger but they’re still here. OK. Let’s go online and check today’s events…

CARAMBA! Oil’s down. Obama was in Ghana?! I was just there. How did I miss that? What the hell is Twitter? Huh? That’s stupid. What team is Q-Rich on now?

Really? MJ?!… Wait a minute… Where the hell are my legs?! Oh God what have I done to… oops. False alarm. Found them.

Let me try to remember. I think everything went haywire after Manchester United lost to Barca in the Champions League final. Now I like to be realistic, so hear me out. I knew Barca was better but I thought maybe, just maybe, I’d get lucky. Not Rooney. Not O’Shea. Not even Ronaldo (traitor). Me! Thing that makes soccer so enamored to me is there’s not much luck. The best is just that… better than everyone else.

In this sport one cannot hide talent or protect a bum. So I wasn’t really angry, just furious. My only solace was the score wasn’t that bad. We all know it could have easily been much worse seeing as how we played without Ronaldo. I hear he mysteriously vanished… poof!… right before the introductions and reappeared somewhere in Spain. After all that I think I left Puerto Rico and fell into a wormhole.

I thought about recounting my season seeing as how I’ve been gone so long. But then again, why do that? I mean, if a person doesn’t want to see the obvious, what good is it for me to attempt to explain? Let’s just leave it at it’s my fault. I told the teams not to pay me, smashed my own hand trying to pick up a leprechaun and broke out into random dance in every game I played, viciously throwing out my back.

That was my year this year. I did however play for my National team this summer and it was easily the best part of my year. Despite the debacle that I witnessed in FIBA Afrique, I was reminded of what is good in this sport and that part cannot be hidden: the comradery and the wisdom the experience grants.

When I think about it, I really start to think I am crazy. Does everyone else see this and just ignore it? Or maybe I’m just blind. But then, for just a moment, I feel part of society as something by all definitions miraculous takes place and I join everyone marvel in unison. Ah ha! You are ignoring the negative. You Muppet.

There is a FIBA rule that says a nation can naturalise (like that Queen’s English spelling?) one person a year. So did anyone else see like half of the African teams signing multiple players with absolutely zero ties to the country he was playing for? One team signed… six players! And no one said a word. Shut up G! Fall in line! Yes… baaaa… sir, I mean Sheppard… baa baa maaaaa!

I could go on all day and give particulars on how no one cares or governs that dark zone. But why? It doesn’t exist now does it? Everything that happens there is “Ah weem ma way,” and “Akuna matata.” Pyramids, Sahara, Nile, Kilimanjaro, well endowed women, majestic animals and who can forget? The all famous, “awww poor deprived people.” Whatever makes us feel better. It’s called misdirection to hide the truth of the matter. Or what I so colorfully describe with my punch-line to all hidden in plain site, “look at the shiny freakin’ monkey.”

My favorite part in “The Last King of Scotland,” was when Idi Amin (Forest Whitaker) was talking to his Scottish doctor after discovering he slept with his wife. You know, telling him how he came to Africa to mingle with the locals, enjoy some stallion Bantu women etc. But all the dreams fell to reality when he realised (Queen’s biyatch) the dude standing in front of him is as human as he is. He carried the same feelings, blood, skin, rage, jealousy and the trait that most concerned him at that time, human propensity to act irrationally and unjustly when pissed and powerful.

All of this complexity was simplified with my favorite line in the movie. He examined him crown to chin as if in wonderment that he really didn’t get it and said, “We are real. This room is real. Everything here… is real.” That part, that very instance is something I feel we will all experience one day. The best thing I can do is prepare myself so the shock doesn’t assist in my terror. But hey, some might chose keep looking at the shiny monkey and deal with reality when it comes.

Stronger than me. I never liked covert, things hidden. I hated geology. Ten PhD geologists in one room and they’ll disagree on the same rock. I absolutely loathed English/Writing/Lit as you can probably see. I’d write an essay in class about something Chaucer wrote and get an “F”. Then go into see the professor and explain what I wrote and, “Oh! wow! That’s impressive Gabriel! (yes he said my full name)” Then he’d re-evaluate my grade and hand me an “A”. That’s supposed to make me feel better? It’s too chaotic, too unpredictable. But math.

There’s a chunk one can grasp. 2+2 is always 4. Can’t change or hide that fact. Same as physics. I love physics because it is exact. People may disagree, but if something in physics is off, then you missed something. You, not the physics.

Yes, as coach Wright would say, I am a strange bird. I submit to that. But after you get passed that, I’m pretty consistent. Which then makes one wonder why I love basketball so much. That equation doesn’t get anymore inconsistent. Ah! But the experiences and wisdom one attains if comradery is grasped, that is pretty uniform everywhere you go.

One of my most memorable experiences this summer was being coached by John Lucas. My close friends know I had my misconceptions about him before. Well, he made me feel guilty not to have made more of an effort to know him better. I wish everyone could have just watched a TV show starring this guy and his first time in Africa. He enjoyed his experience and kept it going like he was still in Texas.

He didn’t complain once while guys born and raised in Nigeria complained about the red-headed lizards outside (hard to get rid of them, we’re in West Africa). You would have never known Luc had never been to Africa. It was the highlight of my time with the National team. I would have been less of a person if I didn’t experience Mr. Lucas. Not just Luc but the entire team.

Who’d a thunk it? The sport is the sport but the team is what makes the game. As we know, the game is much bigger than the sport. The results this year for me were forgettable. Starting from France and topped off with a 5th place finish in the African Championship leaving 180 million Nigerians hoping on a wild card draw in the World Championships (insert plug here). But as you probably guessed, I’m still excited to be where I am. Where is that? 14 light years from Betelgeuse and midway between Orion and Earth. Triangulate that.

Not really important where I am, just who is with me whether they are in my vicinity or not. I can hide a lot and I can ignore even more but experience, prudence, love, friends and wisdom will be in plain sight. And yes, a dark room can still attempt to ignore light’s existence but after a while the light will get so intense, the dark will itself cease to exist. This year we’ll see what experiences I’ll get and I’ll always take them. I may even get lucky. Then, I’d have it all. I’d join many others and have my very own light (friends, love, prudence, experience and wisdom) and some would still be welcome to enjoy that shiny freakin monkey.

I’ve been up too long. Sun’s coming up. Back to the coffin. See you when the sun goes down. Cover your necks.

Wisdom 7: 7-14

Shalo…bama!

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Obama in 2008, Sloan in 2012

Jerry Sloan - Icon Sports MediaI am learning to slow down. See… I know I have a gang of things fluttering around my brain and quite often I get confused. I literally spit out the random thoughts, that to me, seem to make sense simply because in my head, it makes sense. However, most of the time people who hear me explain something with a great amount of passion, give me that look. You know that sincere look that says, “I know this dude is making sense. Maybe he’s just too smart for me to understand.”

Well I am here to reassure you all, it’s not you. That’s the reason I reckon back to the media guy we had a Texas (his name was Dave Saba). Dave, in a short two-minute session, taught me to slow down. When I do, what do ya know! It actually works. I speed think my way to utterance in every language. Even my native tongue of Igbo. Then when I slow down, I might be speaking French (the worst of the languages I speak) and my wife will say, “Geez, since when did you get so good at French?”

Interesting what a tranquil approach will achieve. Normally, my head is bobbin’ and weavin’. I just get started slowly then peak at a nice resonating “hummmm” of words as if my head had a hummingbird for a cerebral cortex. Or more like Carlos Boozer’s Rolls Royce… Have you ever heard one of those things start? Dude! That freaking thing must be made by NASA. It’s a damn ground shuttle that sounds like…

Gotta slow down. Things are bouncin’ around the ol’ noggin. Anyway. I find myself (only every once in a while) slowing down and making a lot more sense. Not necessarily more sense to me but to others. Strangely enough, I rarely say things I don’t mean. Quirky trait for a mentally ambidextrous man. So hopefully, today is a slow down day that can offer a few coherant blurbs that will inspire and entertain at the expense of this (true) globetrotting joyride. Beanpie! Cheeseflakes! Tesla’s Zero point gravity orange peel!

Sorry. Habit.

Let’s see, I went from France, to San Antonio where the Spurs were working out, to vet camp with the Jazz. OK. It’s official. I love Jerry Sloan. Other than losing more weight than Jimmy Hoffa (Get it?…weight. Waaaayyyyeeet-tuh! Forget it), that was the second funniest camp I’ve been to. Smelled like Detroit 2002. Which leads me to predict the Jazz in the Western Conference Finals this year.

That was the first NBA team I’ve been on in which every player was (in my view) earning his check. What does that mean? Sorry. Wasn’t meant to be. Maybe better put… The Utah Jazz’s hierarchy or players and pay is almost perfect (I think we’d all agree Paul Milsap is tad bit underpaid… for now). And every player on that team is just flat out good. It’s always good when your highest paid players are the best respectively in every basketball (team) category.

Deron Williams is their best defender. And he shows it everyday.

Carlos Boozer is the hardest worker, which in turn equals most efficient player and best rebounder. Check his FG%. I have never checked nor do I know how I’d begin to, but I’m willing to bet he’s top five in the league in points/shot attempts. Even though he made me miss for the first time in a year being 260, he’s the Wolverine of that team. The best there is at what he does. I’m still spitting out chips of teeth… I am very serious.

Most professional had to be Memo. Same thing everyday. When everyone was tired after a hard day’s practice the day before, he was in the gym early lifting and starting practice drills off sprinting. Everyday.

And the last catergory… Best basketball pimp (I made that up; it means you’re just good at everything without really looking like you’re trying) AK 47. Hard to explain if you haven’t been to a game to see him in person. Just really good at everything. I think he may have nephthalim blood in him.

And last but definitely not least, most country. Oh you didn’t know being country is an intergral part of winning in basketball? It is. Cuz country folks are laid back. And them’re attritbutes keeps yuh cool when everyone else is hootin’ n’ hollerin’. Jerry Sloan. He was the same as he was three years ago when I was in summer league. He said, “Morning Gabe.” He laughed at my ramblings and even asked, “You alright,” every time anyone, not just his stars, got hurt. He’s either a great actor or a good man. Both of which only us country folk can really be. Without going into too much further detail, it was a pleasure being around good guys who just so happen to be good at basketball.

A wonderous few may have been wondering where the hell I’ve been. Me too. I’m not sure I totally remember. I know I was in three, no four countries in less than a week and I ended up in China and now I’m learning Chinese. Not bragging. I’m actually a bit weirded out by it. And now, the President is African. Huh?! Where have I been? I turned on the TV, only to fall asleep to sweet 80s kung fu movies with subtitles.

Then (listen to this) heard partially understood Manderin Chinese rambling and I actually heard “Obama dwi. Jia yo!” And in the middle of my sleep I popped up. As I deliriously squinted my eyes, I reached for my phone and saw I missed a million calls and texts from my wife, “He won!!!” No way! I just figured somehow, in America, it would never happen. I told my wife the whole time, “Don’t get your hopes up. It’ll never happen. Somehow McCain will win.”

Not only did he not win, he got the piss beat out of him. I couldn’t believe it! It was so big on so many levels, I didn’t know where to begin. I haven’t been in a good mood for a while. From France to Texas to playing like hot garbage in Utah’s camp. I’ve just been in a bad mood lately (if you asked me to explain why, it would take a while. As I’m not completely sure). But now… I was experiencing ecstasy. Work with me, as a Bantu man, it is difficult not to get a little America weary when you experience senseless and illogical hatred not even animals demonstrate simply because of the color of your skin. But that day… That day America shut us all up. Not just an African-American man, a Bantu-American man in every sense of the word is the President of the United States of America! Say it with me…”Obama.” Say it again, “Obama, Obama, Obama.” Sounds almost as good as Mufasa. Hate on America? You simply can’t anymore. Not me, not anyone. You think this could happen anywhere in Europe? Don’t mistake my excitement for distiguishing between  polititians. I still don’t care. To me it’s all a circus of distraction while we all bend over. Something I like to call Johnny Cochran’s, “Looking at the shiny birdie.” That makes no sense. Birds aren’t shiny, well let me just stare at it until I  see what’s so shiny about it. Keep looking you’ll see it.

For me Obama means my kids and my people’s kids can find a new self esteem of possibilities for themselves. You don’t have to be a rapper nor an athlete to be “cool”, son. Now you can appreciate those things for what they are – entertainment for a temporary escape from life. It’s not real. It is more than just a Bantu man is President. It’s much bigger than that. But people like Bill O’Reilly will simplify it. Why Obama got elected, why McCain lost. Who cares the result is the only important parameter. Or an even better remark from the media, I love this one, “Blacks only voted for him because he is Black (hate that word)” Duh. So what? Is being that ignorant any worse than that lady saying that she couldn’t trust Obama cuz he’s “an Arab” on national TV during a McCain rally? We should all have to take a test to insure one is competent enough to turn on a light and/or spell “U.S.A.” before being allowed  to vote.

What, a hoops blog right? I just find myself looking for things to inspire me to not want to do something else. Like I’m over here in China and I should be thinking about hoops, right? You know what I’m thinking? How many cool things I’m gonna miss out on while here. Remember I told you about that new restaurant Fino Rosso of my boys I went to go see in New York? All I can think about is going there in December and how can I make it there with my wife to see Gypsy Kings. Yes, I like Gypsy Kings… Vas te chercher! Is that weird to want to watch Gypsy Kings when you’re playing ball for money? Well in looking for inspiration in basketball, I think I found it. You know in the ACB (Spain) some teams will let you put a nickname on the back of your jersey. Well, my new inspiration is to play in the ACB again, if for nothing else to put Obama on the back of my jersey for the whole season. No one steal that…

Despite what I might project, I really like basketball even today. And playing in Europe actually made me re-like it again. But on the flip side it also re-opened my loathing for travelleing 14 hours next to the guy who thinks, “Yes, I can get my knuckle in my nose without taking off my wedding ring,” only to again play in not-so-not-rag-tag-style leagues. Figure that one out. This is the perfect example of what my dad told me that I never believed when I was a kid… Never choose a job for money, it will never be enough. The money is good and pays the bills but… Whatever. I’ll get over it, dad.

I experienced Jerry Sloan and thought, this is probably the same practice John Stockton and Karl Malone did and I’m doing it. The same ol’ same, ol’ and he keeps winning (even with Williams out). And I wonder: How the hell does he do it? Yes, great players. But it can’t just be the coincidence of great players. Sloan keeps winning and has even done it with less. Other NBA teams have great players and lose (very well, I might add). He doesn’t change no matter what firestorm is going on around him and still manages to be human. So the next ref that T’s him, I don’t care how nice he talks to you, you’re mine. Even though I never want to coach or ever be in politics, I still want to learn the attribute I have seen in the past two months. I want to be a chameleon. Just like Jerry. And so far just like Obama.

A proverb I love (in English even though it loses meaning and umph) is, the chameleon doesn’t care whether there’s a forest fire or not, he will always strut the walk of confidence. I think I’ve used that one before but it’s cooler now. Bumble bee tuna, bumble bee tuna.

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